If you have been working with kids for any amount of time, you have had to deal with an unruly child. It doesn’t matter if you are working with kids in a suburban church or kids who live in the inner-city, there will be kids who will push your buttons, but how do you deal with them?
When dealing with a kid that is having disciplinary problems, the first thing you need to do is stop, and examine yourself. We have to be very careful not to discipline a child out of anger. You know and I know that we can tend to do some really thoughtless things when we are angry. Think about it, how many times while being angry have you said things that you wish you wouldn’t have said? When disciplining a child, step back, take a breath, and deal with the problem when you know you have control of yourself. If you are the type who is very impatient, have someone else who is much more patient deal with disciplinary problems in your program.
The best approach to confronting a child who needs to be disciplined, is to calmly sit down and talk to them. The more relaxed and calm you are the more likely the child will open up and talk to you. I’ve had a time where a kid was refusing to get up off the floor during a children’s church service. I got on the floor, laid down on my stomach, and calmly started asking questions. Like, did you not want to come to church today? Are you tired? Are you hungry? What’s the matter? I was able to convince the kid to come back to the back of the room and talk with me. I took time to show him around the sound booth. I found out that he was just acting up because he was tired. After finding the root of his problem and getting the child to place where he was thinking reasonably, I convinced him to sit in the back of the crowd, relax, and listen to the message.
Find the Root of the Problem
I’ve seen it many times where a kid would begin to act up because he was an older kid attending a program that is geared for younger children. The kid is misbehaving out of boredom. Boredom doesn’t give a kid the right to misbehave, but knowing the root cause can help me find ways to quickly fix the problem. I can give the kid a job to do, or give him a special responsibility that keeps him from being bored.
I feel that I can be more compassion towards a kid who is being a wahoo when I know and understand the root of the problem. I used to be part of a bus ministry. I had a kid that road my bus named Ian. It seemed that Ian had some major anger issues. One day Ian got in a fight with another rider on the bus. After prying Ian off of the other kid, I sat Ian down and told him that he couldn’t ride the bus again for 2 months. I also told him that my wife and I were going to have him over on Fridays for dinner until he was able to ride the bus again. After picking up Ian a few times and visiting him at school, I began to see why Ian was so angry at the world. At school, Ian was in special ed.. His teachers would degrade the kids, especially Ian. At his home, I noticed that the electricity was shut off. Come to find out, Ian’s mom would go spend what little money they had at the casinos. When you begin to find out the root cause of the problem, you can easily become compassionate towards the kid who just caused mass chaos in your program.
Quick Recap
- When confronting a kid that has a behavioral problem, be sure you have yourself under control. Never discipline a child out of anger.
- Find the root of the problem. Finding the root of the problem can help you come up with a fix for the problem. Finding the root of the problem also can help you to be more compassionate towards the child who is misbehaving.
Stayed tuned next week for part 2.
What do you do when children just keep disrupting the class or a program, regardless of how many times you address the issue… a lot of the time the parent is right there and sees no wrong with it. We have had this trouble in our church for awhile. It’s like there is a move in today’s society, including the church, where parents want their kids to have all of the freedom and rights as an adult has… to speak when he/she wants to, to respond how he/she wants to, to move here and there when he/she wants to… and all of it is ok. They want to treat their kids as their friends and not as their child. How do we handle this in a church? Sometimes I think that children/teen meetings should be a privilege and not a necessity. I hate to think this way but the behavior from these few children messes up the class for everyone. Help!
When I was doing bus ministry in Tulsa, we were having a lot of fights break out in class. This was pretty much an every week thing. Usually there were more than just one fight during class. We made some changes. The amount of fighting went down drastically. One of the changes was a program change. The other change was the disciplinary change. When kids got into fights, they were suspended for two months no questions asked. Most of the kids would come back realizing that bus ministry was a privilege and not a right. We had less and less repeat offenders.
Even here at the church, in very extreme cases, we will suspend kids for a period of time. We have them sit in the sanctuary with their parents. We follow certain steps of action before we get to the point of suspension. Most of the time those actions correct the problem. If not, for the sake of the other children’s learning experience, we suspend the child. The parents and the children will recognize that having children’s church is a privilege. The parent is now forced to deal with their child’s behavior during church. The kid realizes what he or she is missing.
I hope that helps.
How do I deal with my step children (boys 5 & 7) when their mother tells them they need to be mean and rude to me all the time? I have tried to be fun and do crafts and take them on outings, and still all I get is back talk, hitting, disrespected. I am at my witts end. And I am not allowed to discipline, either.
Hello Jen,
I don’t believe your question could be answered in a blog comment or even a 5 minute conversation. Parenting is hard work even more hard being a parent in a blended family. I would recommend at the minimum getting a good book or two on blended families. Check out these books on Focus on the Family. It’s probably best to get the books recommended by Focus on the Family. You can find books on blended families here:
http://family.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/easy_find?within=N%3D1112323%26Ne%3D1000000%26Nso%3D1%26action%3DSearch%26event%3DEBRN&Ntk=cbws_keywords&Ntt=blended family&action=Search&N=0&Ne=0&event=ESRCN&nav_search=1&cms=1&Go.x=0&Go.y=0&Go=Go
Here are some good articles by Jimmy Evans on blended families:
http://www.marriagetoday.org/site/PageServer?pagename=mtrl_family_dynamics_list&sub=blended_families
You may even want to go as far as both you and your husband seeing a Christian counselor or a pastor. I hope that helps.
Hi,
I am a first grade teacher and I deal with an ENTIRE class of unruly children. You tell one to stop doing this, a next one would start doing that. I am at my wits end. I try to be patient but it doesn’t help. I can’t discipline and my words are just noy getting through to them. What can I do? Please help me!
Hello Patrice,
As a teacher, you are in an amazing position. You have the chance to make a huge impact in the life of your students. You have those kids 8 hours a day 5 days a week. You are one of the most influential people in their life. My hat goes off to you.
With all that said, I can see how you could get frustrated. Being that I’m not a school teacher, I don’t have a ton of advice to give you, but I will share with you a few of my thoughts. I know a retired teacher I’ll try to pick her brain on this subject also. But here are my thoughts:
A wise woman who used to be a teacher once told me, divide and conquer. I would separate them as much as possible. If you have to face all their desks to the wall. Keep the main trouble makers far away from each other. Secondly, I would do what I could to build relationships with each kid, Relationships = Respect. My 6th grade teacher was the best teacher I ever had in my life. His name was Mr. Frost. Mr. Frost was one of the strictest teachers in the school, but he was also the most loved and respected. He would play cards with the kids during lunch recess. In ministry, building relationships with the kids has seemed to work the best for me. You can also read the part of this post here:
http://powerhouselive.org/2008/11/how-to-deal-with-unruly-kids-part-2/
God bless
This is a great discussion. As a veteran public school teacher I have had many opportunities to have behavioral disruptions in my classroom. One of the keys in dealing with the behaviors is consistencey. Having simple rules that the kids and adults understand, with clearly defined consequences and positive reinforcers built in. Then, consistent and immediate consequences must be enforced calmly. No discussion or arguing during the consequence time (such as a ‘time out’ chair). Whatever the consequence, the child must then apologize and be hugged (if appropriate) and brought back to the group for a fresh start. It is our responsibility to exercise loving authority. This provides a sense of well being to children. I so agree that many parents now think that they are to be their child’s friend. I believe that is one of the reasons for the acting out behaviors.
PS-I said no discussion during the consequence stage. The adult should tell the child calmly what the behavior/rule violation was that brought about the consequence. However, most kids will argue with the adult and that is where the ‘no discussion’ applies.